Life stinks, I need a f*cking laugh

This one still makes me laugh

I haven't posted in some time. Why? They say that if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all. That's what's up. This month has been horrible. I miss my Grandma so much. Somehow I feel so angry and I don't know why. I can't wait for July. This month has been awful.

Our property was vandalized the other day. It's the second time in six months. My neighborhood isn't really bad but it's not one of the nicer ones in the city. I know it was probably a random act but it feels like a personal attack. Today I hate my city.

Am I ok?

Good question, Puppy. At certain times, yes, I am ok. Other times I am not. Death is such a strange thing. The other day I was feeling awful and lay down to rest. Out of nowhere I could smell her house, the wood floors, the incense she used to burn. It lasted for about ten minutes. It was odd and wonderful and sad. Her obituary was printed and it said she died peacefully. That isn't exactly the truth. Privately I was told she suffered greatly in her final hours. It was so bad that the family actually began to pray that she would die. It is of some comfort to find out that she was surrounded by the rest of her family and that they all had laid their hands on her as she passed away. The obituary was wrong about a few other things and failed to mention many of her loved ones (including myself) as her survivors. I don't really care though. I don't need the recognition from that. I had it from her. I am left with many wonderful memories. And many that make me laugh. Grandma told me I was her fresh-faced beauty because I never wore make-up. However, she once drove me to the drugstore and made me buy mascara, then told me I put it on incorrectly. Another of my favorites is the conversation we had when she asked if I planned to have a breast job since I nursed my kids. The day we smoked weed together and she told me she felt like she was floating. I told her that's why they call it getting high. Although I had smoked many times before she and I learned how to smoke from a bong together. She was one of a kind. I will be okay again, someday, but not yet. I'm still in shock I think. As you said, Puppy, the show must go on. She would not want me to fall to pieces. She would want for me to keep living and to enjoy every moment of it. So I'm going to try.

I lost one of my best friends today. It's strange how grief makes reality seem so unreal. It feels like time has stopped. I'm alone and I don't know what to do with my grief so I'll pour it out here. I don't want to be around anyone anyway.

You have been with me my whole life. You have been with me through girlfriends and boyfriends, heartaches and disappointments. I love you so much. Truthfully I love you more than almost anyone else. Whenever I felt like a failure, you were there to give me support and encouragement. When I felt like the world and the people around me were cold and harsh, you were there without judgement. You always treated me with kindness, love and compassion. I think I've learned more from you than from anyone else I've known. You were my teacher and my inspiration. I want to be just like you when I grow up. You were one of the finest human beings I've ever had the good fortune to know. God I hope you can hear these words. I can't stop crying but I know my tears are only for me. You suffered greatly these last few years and I'm trying to find consolation in your release from pain. Was St. Peter there with your banquet and the red carpet like you imagined? It's been raining and I think that even the sky is crying for your loss. The world has lost one of the best. I still have your incense and the smell always reminds me of being at your home. I hoped I'd be seeing you in a couple of months and we could drink our coffee and talk like we always did. Deep down I must have known because I didn't make the travel plans concrete. You were the only person who ever told me that they were proud of me. I hope I can keep making you proud. The pain is like waves. There will never be another like you. Remember when you sideswiped that mail truck? It still makes me laugh. I can't believe it was only a few weeks ago when we last spoke. The thought that I will never talk to you again breaks my heart. Will you be there for me when I die? I would love to see you again. Are you with Mike and Sam again? I hope so. I hope it is everything you hoped it would be on the other side. This is the trouble with being human and loving other people. Some day you have to say good-bye. I want you to know that you have influenced my life in such a positive direction. And I know I am not the only one. You took us in like strays and left us better off then before. I could always tell you anything. By the way, I hope you didn't keep any of the numerous letters I sent you. Especially not the last one. Those were just for you. I guess I'll never know about the one who stole your heart that you kept secret even from me. I loved every minute I spent with you. Time always went too quickly. I still love the story of when you were at the same table as Al Capone. I'm sorry that my daughter will never meet you. I'm sorry I haven't seen you in so long. I am sorry that I wasn't with you when you passed. Just the other day I was thinking that it has been such a rough year it was time for something good to happen. Guess God is one cold son of a bitch! I was planning on writing you a letter this weekend while the kids were away. You said you always loved getting them, that I was so open. Only to you. I'm going to try to stay sober and just deal with this. Really. I'm sorry but I don't think I'll make it to your party. Only you would have a party planned after your funeral. When I heard her voice I knew what had happened. I'm glad that the two of you were able to reconcile. She sounded so calm. I guess she's been expecting it. Thank you for your love, patience, kindness, advice, acceptance, warmth, strength and wisdom. I will always love you, I'll do my best to make you proud and I'll try to teach my kids all that you taught me. You were beautiful. Good bye Grandma.