Am I ok?

Good question, Puppy. At certain times, yes, I am ok. Other times I am not. Death is such a strange thing. The other day I was feeling awful and lay down to rest. Out of nowhere I could smell her house, the wood floors, the incense she used to burn. It lasted for about ten minutes. It was odd and wonderful and sad. Her obituary was printed and it said she died peacefully. That isn't exactly the truth. Privately I was told she suffered greatly in her final hours. It was so bad that the family actually began to pray that she would die. It is of some comfort to find out that she was surrounded by the rest of her family and that they all had laid their hands on her as she passed away. The obituary was wrong about a few other things and failed to mention many of her loved ones (including myself) as her survivors. I don't really care though. I don't need the recognition from that. I had it from her. I am left with many wonderful memories. And many that make me laugh. Grandma told me I was her fresh-faced beauty because I never wore make-up. However, she once drove me to the drugstore and made me buy mascara, then told me I put it on incorrectly. Another of my favorites is the conversation we had when she asked if I planned to have a breast job since I nursed my kids. The day we smoked weed together and she told me she felt like she was floating. I told her that's why they call it getting high. Although I had smoked many times before she and I learned how to smoke from a bong together. She was one of a kind. I will be okay again, someday, but not yet. I'm still in shock I think. As you said, Puppy, the show must go on. She would not want me to fall to pieces. She would want for me to keep living and to enjoy every moment of it. So I'm going to try.