MiA's ShAkEn NoT StiRReD BLoG
5 years ago
1.09.2007
I've been reading several books by Dr. Andrew Weil and I think they are terrific. He has degrees in medicine and botany from Harvard University but is extremely open to alternative medical treatments. He stresses that there really is a link between our mind and our body, that how we feel mentally can affect how we feel physically. I've been doing much soul-searching and introspection on this matter. As I stated in an earlier post, my personal life is a mess. I'm working on it but it is still a major stress in my life. The biggest problem is my relationship with my two-year old daughter. I adore her--she is beautiful and funny and intelligent. But she is also willful, defiant and has no respect for me whatsoever. She listens to her father but disregards me all together. I don't know what to do anymore. I've been caring for children most of my life but none of the tactics I've used before seem to work with her. I try very hard to be consistent, to follow through on discipline and to be loving and fair at the same time. It makes no difference in her behavior. At the end of most days I am so happy and so anxious to put her to bed so I can take a break from her. I feel like I am missing out on this time in her life, that I am not able to enjoy being with her. The other day I did something I am not proud of at all. I got so frustrated with her. She wants to be a big girl and sit on the chair without a booster seat. I'm allowing this, as long as she remains seated. However she repeatedly leaves the chair, stands up, reaches over the table for her brother's food, etc. After several stern warnings I just lost it and gave her a swat on the bottom. She seemed stunned but otherwise didn't really react. I do not believe in physical punishment as a rule and wish I had not done it. But this behavior from her is typical in my house. She breaks a rule, I tell her no, give two warnings, she continues the behavior then I am forced to give her a time out. It's not working. I'm running out of ideas to deal with her behavior. It causes me to feel angry, frustrated, depressed about my parenting skills and overall stressed and impatient. I'm welcoming any suggestions or advice. In fact, I'm asking for it. I love her so much but feel her actions are negatively impacting my mental and physical health. I want to have fun being with her, to enjoy the time we have together, not dread it. Unfortunately she is just as headstrong and stubborn as both of her parents. Suggestions? Anyone? Please?
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10 comments:
I don't have any suggestions on how to deal with her. Our boy is just now a year and a half old, and is starting to throw tantrums, etc, that we are still learning how to deal with.
But I sympathize - every night I am glad when Elias finally goes to bed, not so much because he is a hassle (some days he is!) but because I am just so tired at the end of the day and I need to relax.
In any case, it's probably just a phase your daughter is going through, right? Don't they call them the "terrible twos?" You can hope, at least.
Hi,
I stumbled upon your blog thru Tooner's.
My nephew is experiencing the same thing. He's in his terrible twos right now, and is just being a total brat! He doesn't mind anybody, and he throws a fit whenever he doesn't get his way.
Hope it's just a phase, we're expecting our first baby very soon. I can't tell you much on how to treat your daughter, hope you'll be able to share your experience with us.
Jane i dont know what to suggest, i dont have a kids or enought experience for giving advises. Have you tried asking her why she doesnt want to do what you want and explaining why you dont want her to sit on that chair? May be that will help. If she want to be grown up, i think you should talk to her as with grown person, so try asking about her wishes and why she wants things.
That is my piece of advise.
Good Luck
Puppy
hello, I found your blog through Jannahs. This sounds so familiar to me, my daughter is three and a half. i adore her of course, but she doesn't listen to me either, only her dad, he gets to have fun with her and i have to be the policeman. Before i had kids, i was certain i wouldn't smack them but now i find it's the only thing that works (and even then only some of the time). I'm just hoping it's a stage! but her parents are very stubborn so well i'm not holding my breath!
I don't have kids. But I work with them almost daily.
Each kid responds differently and yours sounds delightfully strong willed. =)
In this situation I would have taken away her chair. If she can't sit on it the way she was instructed to, she doesn't get a chair. If that means she can't reach the table to eat, she will have to wait til she earns her chair back.(I doubt she will starve in 20-30 minutes) Consequenses suck sometimes, but they put her in the position to decide how she would like to behave. That way she is responsible for the outcome and she still feels in control because she is choosing how she will act. You aren't mad. You are just enforcing the natural consequenses of her actions.
I hope that made sense. I have been up for 20 hours and am a little out of it. Best of luck with her. You CAN do this and it will get better.
Jane,
I'm not in a position to comment either - not being a mother. But two is so awfully young. Don't you think she'll just grow out of it?
Just be patient I guess. And consistent. And don't get too upset about it.
The 'Pumkin" rules! ... (and you thought I might offer value!)
I think it is fabulous that she is so strong willed and defiant. So often we feel the need to "reign em in" mostly because of our own conditioning, and perhaps just from being tired or stressed.
Please don't be a "don't parent" I get so tired off that. Don't do this, don't do that, you know what I mean. Try being a "DO parent" the don't thing creates don't people. These turn out feeling the need for permission, and direction. Not assertive, and self disciplined. Limited people!
Jane when was the last time you stood on your chair and reached over a table? Try it! its bizarre and fun.... (but be careful... you might get "pinged.") Turn this into play with her, and after a few times it will go away, or you will be able to say "No Mommy doesn't want to play "table monkey" (or whatever) right now"
A "ping" on the derrier has more impact on you, than on them! What you don't want to do is stifle her will or defiance. She will need these "tools" in a couple of decades or less, especially around peers down the road....
Of course I understand you feel that you should control these behaviors. I mean isn't that what a good parent should do... control?
The answer is NO! It is a parents job to direct, guide, teach, support, enrich and love. Do these things and children will mature into self sufficient adults.
Her natural defiance (especially at two when she is asserting herself upon her world) is a response to control, or her attempt at gaining a little of it from the world around her. Not a personal tug of war with you. Guide and direct, try not to control.
So she's too big for the seat, and too small for the chair, so she stands, (proberbley kneels first) because she just doesn't fit comfortably.
Oh! .... and it's is not just at the table, it's in the child seat in the car, the "cracked" cookies, persnickerty about food, clothes, bed-time, and everything else.
Good luck ..... have FUN! They are little for so little time! So forget the small stuff...... and
"loosen the bone Wilma" the pumkin rules for the next few months!
AND before I forget... how's her verbalizing... you wrote awhile back about how you thought she was not being verbal!
"I don't have any suggestions on how to deal with her." John
I think John is talking about interaction. Interaction is a two way street. "Pinging" is a one way street.
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"My nephew is experiencing the same thing." - Alfanan
Hmmm .... children will be children! AND you thought it was just pumpkin!
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"If she wants to be grown up, I think you should ...." - Puppy
Sounds like she is asserting herself upon the world, but just doesn't have the "Mature" tools piece in place......A good observation I think!
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"This sounds so familiar to me, my daughter is three and a half. i adore her of course, but she doesn't listen to me either, only her dad, he gets to have fun with her and i have to be the policeman." - Jamilalighthouse.
Love it! ... Dads are toys and play things, it's Moms who interact more with the children in their early development. It's great being "The Dad." Of course you could ask for help from JD if it gets too much ......
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"Each kid responds differently and yours sounds delightfully strong willed. =)" and ......
"That way she is responsible for the outcome and she still feels in control because she is choosing how she will act." - Slenderella
This is fantastic!!!! Love it! Understanding a child needs and strengths, and allowing them room to grow. Giving them direction and responsibility...... Wonderful!
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"Just be patient I guess. And consistent. And don't get too upset about it." - Loulou
Well said. Patience and consistentcy ..... can you ever go wrong with these!
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Jane ..... Aren't we brilliant. Now put down the books, and go play!
I appreciate everyone's input on the situation with my daughter but right now she has me so worn out that I doubt I could implement any new technique today. Instead I ask you, "Does anyone want to babysit? Anyone?"
sorry i'm responding late to this... but after reading all the posts, i agree w/ slenderella the most. i think allowing your child to have freedom is good and allowing her to grow and become who she is ... is also good, but i also believe that there is a time for play and a time for rules. there's nothing wrong w/ enforcing rules. you have to be the parent and you have to let her know that it's important that she listens, respects and minds you.
since she is listening to your husband more than you, always be sure that he shows the upmost respect when he's around you and she disobeys etc. it's very important that he reinforces to her that she is to mind you, and by showing that respect towards you, she will see that she can't get away w/ anything - not that this is happening, but just in case.
i think she's just very strong willed, which, to me, shows a lot of intelligence. i was very strong willed as a child, and i got spankings, and i turned out pretty decent, if i must say so! ;)
i will say this though... i think taking things away and showing that you mean business is a good way to go. if she doesn't listen to you, do not hesitate to make it very serious very fast. that way, she can still be strong willed, but you are making sure she understands that you are the boss and parent. i do not believe this will break her spirit. she's learning there are boundaries in life and that there are times for things and "not" time for things - if that makes sense.
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