Stephen Colbert

When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday -- no matter what happened Tuesday.

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

Margaret Cho

I love my gay male friends, but when I was a little girl I always used to wish that I would be constantly surrounded by gorgeous guys, and I am, and I should have been more specific.

One of my first jobs was on a lesbian cruise. I was the ship comedian for the Lesbian Love Boat...I slept with a woman on the ship, and afterwards I was thinking, "Am I gaaaay? Am I straaaaight?" And then I realized: I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?

Rita Rudner

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.