Screw this serious moody sh*t, I need to laugh more

Demetri Martin

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

Zach Galifianakis

You know you're an alcoholic when the bartender knows your name... and you've never been to that bar before.

Roseanne Barr

The fastest way to a man's heart is through his chest.

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month I can be myself.

Jerry Seinfeld

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Mitch Hedberg

I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt. There is no need for that, man. I'll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I cannot imagine a situation in which I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Hey man! Don't even act like I didn't buy that doughnut! I got the documentation right here...damn...I forgot it at home... it's in the filing cabinet...under D...for doughnut."

I like an escalator, man, 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be a "Escalator temporarily out of order" sign, only "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."